Just an FYI

I am beginning to wonder if you understand the prowess I hold.  I think sometimes you forget the individual before you is more teacher than student, more of a leader than a follower.  You tend to forget that my goal is to bring you back to what is real, away from the life of lies and falsehood and false love you once dwelled within.  I have my own mind and will take my time with my actions of romance, I do need a capable partner for this dance.  An obvious mistake I made many times before was being that person that always gave someone, who would not decide for themselves, everything they wanted.  That type of person who refuses to accept their wants, asks for nothing yet secretly confuses themselves with if they even desire it or not.  In the end, she never made the decision to do anything she wanted in regards to me, to us, to the relationship we were involved in.  Could be more about me as a person and just that I do not deserve individual action of attraction, could be with me she never wanted anything for me, whichever the instance; it shows how much easier it is to take the world if it is being handed to you.  A different story to accept that you want the world and then to go after it.  What we are inside of is a continuous life lesson that you desperately need more than you admit.  It is interesting how so many pieces of your life you state do not fit properly with you, yet I do; however, you want to toss me in the pile with the mismatch shapes.  You want me to not fit, to be more of the same that you already had.  I suppose it does make more sense.  If you in your life refuse to go after what you want and rather allow yourself to be guided by those who you know do not have your best interest at heart purely because they give you an idea and see no reason to do otherwise since you have no original thought of your own, why deal with someone and have them want you to have original thoughts.  Why not just make that person another one who gives you their original thoughts and therefore, you never have to have one.  True desire is not a reaction to something, if you really feel strongly about it you bring it you versus waiting for the world to live your life for you.  For circumstances that put you against the wall to happen before you determine you want something, for you to have more and more regrets than actually going with your own wants and mind, instead of consistently regretting and feeling miserable with your choice because you just gave your choice away to someone else.
Just letting you know, someone might want to just give you things you wanted
do those things on spontaneous thoughts alone
if you had an actual thought
of your own.

Silent Expression

Sometimes the little things that we ask are the biggest factors of the heart.
We ask and yearn for the simple things because we love
the feeling.
That comfort
that warmth
from feeling wanted and desired
that pride you feel to stand next to
the person you love
that joy and security you feel
knowing the same person will tell the world
proudly how happy they are to have you
While to some
it may seem like a grand gesture
to be claimed
status acknowledging the same
expression online
expression in public
sharing with those close
however, why?
Is it a fear that it will be coveted?
We take worldly possessions
that are no more than
fabric, leather, plastic and electronic components
these we show proudly
to have them noticed
to have them appreciated
While we do not vocalize it
“HEY!!! come look at my shirt”
I still see we are more proud of cloth
than love
We are more proud of hair
than affection
We are more confident in the individuality
of ink on our body
than the individual whom we share our bed
and body with.
There is that feeling of not belonging
that comes with the lack of expression
Shame and the kind of selfish
that creates
You may say
to not let others in your relationship
into your business
into your next move
your plans
yet expression is simply itself
and involvement
requires reactions
The truth
we are okay sharing what we know
what we are sure of
that our love is unconditional
what will not break our heart
what will not make us relive the past.
Easier to share
speak on
our children
some accomplishments
those moments garner
a more showing of pride
than our love life.
We may possibly
be proud internally
possibly even on the outside
in the most minor of ways
that fear of that pain
that wondering about the world
comes to haunt us more 
when it is about our heart
To me it is worth the proclamation
not everyone has lived a life
where unconditional existed
There are a great deal of us
who never felt like we belonged
were wanted
desired to have around
A feeling of pride
is not something that everyone has been
exposed to
Could be
that treasure you have no 
has always been treated
more as the trash.

Journal of Words Not Spoken

I have no words anymore
just thoughts
little glimpses of what can be
of what should be
of what might have been
I have lived my life in the sense of lacking regret
feeling as if I have expressed it all
one way or the other
I let it all out
I remain transparent
I remain an open book
I have yet to be truly read
furthest away from any understanding
yet I keep going forward
never demanding
just living
or to be honest
There are parts of my life I wish to increase
affection and passion
so much that can be
much more than the current status
maybe there are some things
left to be said
perhaps I have some words
that are left in the air
I forgive you for your absence
While I do wish to find you again
it is more so for the other family that I have lacked
if I am to have siblings
I wish to know them
more importantly
I wish for my daughter to know them
for my sake
I learned my morality and how to be a man
without you
I learned how to accept responsibility
without you
I learned how to be a proper father
without advice from you
In the end
I will say thank you
I appreciate you more for not being there
Past love,
I am sorry and grateful for the trials we faced
I apologize for the hurt I caused
I am grateful for the growth you created
If there is anything right in this world
your happiness you gained from my failure
I am most grateful for that
whether I failed you on purpose
or by mistake
or simply by fate
I did care for you and always want you happy
I am in great appreciation
that it did happen
for you
I have said these things before
just putting them out there for the world
a few words to get off my chest
my continued story will tell the rest