Poetry

Lack of Sleep

It starts with a feeling
a simple knowing of a presence
then comes the immediate fear
the confusion
the tensing of muscles
the straining of them follows
the constriction continues
the straining becomes worse
maybe a jerk or two
maybe a shake or three
more intense constriction
eyes openly frantically
searching for the oppressor
finding nothing
darkness
silence
another jerk
another shake
tighter constriction
the sound of wings flapping
close by the head
right by the ear
deepening
deafening
nothing else heard
no longer able to open eyes
no longer able to jerk
the pressure begins
hard upon the chest
tighter
stronger
“Our Father….”
the pressure intensifies
body begins to shake
the inside of the soul starts to tremble
“….let thy will be done…”
full tremors now
brain ceases to understand what is being attempted
“….and forgive those………”
black out…
…………….
Rise from the position
heart racing
chest tightened
breath shortened
mind resuming
“….but deliver us from evil…”
Life · Poetry

Failed Dreams

This is a moment just for me to talk, for me to vent, for me to just let it all out.  I have always been a firm believer in love and how much power that it can hold.  I have also been a firm believer that I do not have regrets, they are useless and unnecessary.  To say I am person who has regrets means that I did things with half of my heart, and since I wear my heart on my sleeve that just means I did not give it all my strength.

See for me that analogy means so much more than I can be an emotional person at times, I will break it down for you.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, both of them actually, on both of my arms.  My arms are connected to my torso, my back, my chest, and then there is my head.  So my heart is connected to my head and supported by my body.  I put all that I have into things dealing with the heart because that is where my strength comes from.  Yes it is true, I have power in my legs and that helps me to keep moving forward but I push through the struggles I have in this world because of my heart, because of the strength that my love and pain that I have felt inside of my heart gives me.  Am I ever scared? Of course, I am human.  I would be lying if I said that at some points, I am not worried for the safety of my heart; however, I rather go about it feeling comfortable with myself and secure in myself than hold back.

You see, I do not like the person I become when I am acting like a coward.  I do not like to feel like I have to second guess doing the right thing, that I am worried about if my lie will be found out, having to worry about keeping up some facade at all times.  I do not think people realize it but those who rather not, lying on a consistent basis is tiresome.  Hiding stuff on a consistent basis, having to compartmentalize everything like that all the time is really exhausting.  I rather just be open and honest with the people who I deal with versus spend more energy on how to figure out a dishonest way to do things.

I understand that some people believe transparency is a weakness, a vulnerability, and something that will eventually end up with them being hurt.  The corollary for that is that people spend so much time creating a life based on falsehoods that any little thing can cause it all to come tumbling down.  It is like living in a glass house yet not being the exemplary person needed to live in all of that transparency, the first stone can break it all.  Why start speaking on dreams and creating them under lies.

There is a reason trust demands sacrifice because people have to give up something in order to truly earn trust, they have to let a part of themselves go and then in return they are rewarded with that trust.  I promise that it is not as bad as it sounds; however, people act like these days trust is a novelty and thing of the past.  The problem is perception, quit thinking everyone is out to get you and stop thinking everyone is out to hurt you for their own gain even when they tell you otherwise.  The world has always been selfish and yes the new generation now does not understand how much that is present in their daily lives, but that does not mean you stop trying to teach them differently.

For me, maybe my dreams are not false truly but I feel like my desire for love and family is going to be my false legacy.  I have written hundreds of pieces that speak about love, speak about trust, family, fear, rejection, and pretty much any emotion that can come to mind and yet it still evades me.  I understand fear, I understand lies, I understand being open and even over compensating and hiding one’s self within pain.  I have done all of them, I just rather choose to do things differently.  If that means that my legacy just turns out to be a bunch of paper with words on them that never came to fruition then so be it.

Sometimes all it is with our fear is how we see ourselves, how we view ourselves as some weak creature that is just waiting for something and everything to fail and crush us, but what if we envision ourselves powerful, strong, secure, and ready for the world.  We tell our young ones to believe they are princes and princesses so that they will hold their head up high and have confidence.  Tell yourself you are a King or a Queen and not some pawn that is just to be used by someone else, give yourself the commanding presence you desire and believe that is who you are to become.  Fear only has strength when you give in to it and let it allow us to believe we are less than we are.