Poetry

Who I’ve Always Been

That man

that man in the shadows that has so many unseen flaws

so many unseen problems

on the outside looks fine

on the outside looks stable

on the inside is dying

is crying

has embraced death and felt the cold chill of no longer living

these are not jokes

these are serious words

the demons shown on movies are not only seen on the big screen

I’ve seen them

felt the terror

the disbelief

the lost of myself as I begin to transition from the living

the breathing

to the dead

the silent

the ones that we miss but never appreciate when they are here

I wonder what how my death would influence others

my absence does nothing

they go on with their life the same as always

always thinking that the next day they can say something

the next moment if they needed me they can call on me

maybe next year they can tell me they love me

maybe another day we will be better friends than we are currently

I’ve felt death in my bed

I’ve seen death with my eyes

I’ve tasted death in the air

and I held death in my hands when I was ten years old

I know what the message of live this day as your last means

I utilize that regardless

I don’t want to wait on my happiness

I know I am not promised this day

I am not even promised to finish the next line of what I am writing

death can creep up and take you whenever it sees fit

ever have Satan tempt you to your death by trying to give you what you want?

He will do whatever it takes to destroy that which God has brought up

strong

mighty

powerful

and held back

for everything God willingly gives us

all of our talents

all of our abilities

we are always still diamonds in the rough

a consistent piece of unlocked potential

waiting to be unleashed to do his will

what he has planned for us

my potential is so great I am scared for it myself

I am unable to control it alone at this point

the void within my soul and my heart

the void that I have been yearning to have filled

keeps me at bay

If I am so lovable

loving

comforting

dependable

sweet

compassionate

understanding

devoted

and should I continue on with more words

if I am so much of those things

then why am I regarded as more of the opposite

than the truth

The truth is

I am a Christian

I am a protector and fighter of life

I am a soldier of the light

I am a gentleman

I am a young man who missed a lot of the love and nourishment that I should have received during childhood

majority of the love I need in life was taken from me at a young age as well

from the loss of that love, I was given strength

and robbed even more of my importance as a human being

I do not know the emotion of being wanted or needed

I seek to make people feel the way that I never felt growing up

I seek to please one woman for the rest of my life and make her happy

not saying that I am the key to her happiness or that I am her happiness

but I want to add on to her life

I am one who believes in completion and complimenting

I can complete someone and compliment them at the same time

As a man, I am incomplete

I am missing my rib

As a knight, I am missing my queen

As a lover, I am missing the love

I am a man who has lived in the shadows, embraced it, and became a part of it

you will see the darkness in me before the light

the darkness has lived on the outside

as a shelter

as a way of not being detected

as an escape

I am not the dark knight

I am not the mercenary that people consider me to be

that comes inside of their life simply to disrupt the natural order they have created

I enter to bring more

I enter to reveal more

I enter to extinguish and rebuild

I enter to acknowledge what majority does not

I have always been that honest friend

the understanding one

the one that knows more than I should at the moment

and yet still yearns to learn more

I am that shadow that you see when you are at your lowest moments

and yet inside of you along with the fear and anxiety of the actual sight

there is a sense of comfort

a sense of trust

a sense of security

I am a part of that fear that lives within everyone

because I am not the norm

I am not that which can be easily understood and mistaken for something else

even when experience and history shows one person something possibly consistent

I stray from those theories

I’ve always been this man

this entity

this enigma

this soldier

this follower

this protector

this gentleman

 this seeker of knowledge and wisdom

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