This one is for me more than anything else, I guess just the open acknowledgement of how I feel right now. I wish I could say I know someone would be able to understand and that there would be some things different in my life due to this post; however, I do not believe that to be true. Unfortunately, I am not that type of individual who just feels better from spilling the emotions that are bottled up inside, if there is no positive forward movement, my feelings remain the same, they only subside into the area of just not being spoken on.
When I look at that picture, I see a lot of things. I took it purely because of the view it gave off and the feeling of looking at the sunlight in the distance and just being in that light. Those type of moments are the only time my mind can be calm enough to feel the peace that God has granted me by being on this earth. Right now, honestly speaking, I am at a loss in every realm of life. I am confused, saddened, disappointed, discouraged, and more than anything else, I am lost. Today is a day I thought would never happen, it is the first day that I am 34 years old.
I have went through majority of my life feeling as if I would not make it past 33 years old and that is a hard feeling to deal with. Always wondering if you would be right, at some points, planning and thinking about having a life earlier due to the fact you feel that it will be over just as soon, and just always having these feelings of disaster awaiting you and then the day comes and it is over just as quickly as it began. This birthday was no celebration, it was just another day really. I appreciate the words some close friends and family sent and gave me of well wishes, I will not lie that it didn’t hurt me again not to be celebrated by one individual but it is to be expected. I’ve experienced much more pain in this relationship than I have before and I am okay with giving up on love afterwards because “love” should feel and act much better than this.
Where do I go from here, I have no idea. At this point, it is almost like a life refresh, unsure of all of my next steps, still struggling with so many different things, still feel like a failure on so many others, hard to really feel like I am not alone in this world when my mind moves at 1 million thoughts per second and there is never enough time to even get out half of them. I am not well rested ever, my body is constantly in pain, every moment of the day feels harder than the previous, and it has been a while since I could say this and mean it but I am not okay. I am 34 years old and yet I feel like that means nothing even though it is something I felt I would never accomplish.