Poetry

Why am I here? (Dangerous Thoughts)

I exist around people who really do not understand how I feel
what goes on inside my head, the strain and the pain
they do not concern themselves with my stress and my struggle
but I am to believed I am loved, I am cared for, I do not feel it

The same one asking me to spill the reasons I am uneasy
created the problem for me feeling unable to speak freely
has taken my worst fears and deepest insecurities
and hurled them back in my face as weapons, destroying me

How am I supposed to feel encouragement from the antagonist
not hidden, no secret villain that I uncover until mid way through the show
this one presents herself day by day by day, no plot twist
this is who I should divulge more of my struggle and my pain

If I, as an individual, as the person with feelings and emotions matter not
Why am I here?
Feeling like I always have nowhere to turn, no shoulder to lean on yet a house full
Why am I here?

All of those around me would be much better off
past lovers have moved on without a second thought
the same will be said for the one in my presence now
once I am dead and gone, she will be wondering how

How did she allow herself to waste so much time near me
Why was she pretending to live in this life, no fight to be happy
no sign of remorse, no reason to feel she did anything wrong
my name will not even be known, when remembering a song

My daughter would not have to see her failure of a father continue
she would get to see what a real man looks like in a better venue
it is not as if her mother has ever praised me as a man
all in all I have nothing but enemies and not a single fan

For soon as my eyes shut there will be no more pain, no more fight
soon as these eyes shut, all of those around me will see the light
the great shining beams of joy from never having to see me again
this is how it feels when sinking into depression again

Despite the best efforts of anyone whether the issue is known or not
there is no cure for self-doubt, it comes from the inside not out
still wondering to myself in the loudest of inner voices I scream
why am I here on this earth living and continually failing

So much easier to take this knife, this gun, this rope, these pills
run away from all crisis in the blood that should be spilled
the reason I say should is because it is a waste in this vessel
contemplating death as freedom and final

 

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