Notebook Chronicles #36

I have always been on the outside looking in, peeking through the window of the party, then being removed forcibly for being on the grounds.  That outsider that does not even have the ability to earn a place among the table, for fear, disregard to my emotions, or just adamant rejection seems to be the use for my placard.  Just much easier to neglect than to engage, it is funny how people can see me every day, then not desire to speak.  If I leave the initiation to the world, I will yet remain the one who is not satiated.  It is not enough to just be acknowledged when spoken to but the desire to be acknowledged for existing is important too.  Is it better to be regarded a monster for your deeds and mishaps, or be regarded the same yet nothing has happened.  There are no moments of intense grief by my hands, the pain and torture of others due to my sick and sinister desire to laugh, there are no broken hearts due to my purpose desire to hurt others, I am merely living my life as any other, yet not treated as a brother.  More so I am consistently regarded in that sense that makes my actions or lack matter so much more, I am persecuted and judged merely because I seek to garner true action not purely a reaction.

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