Life · Poetry

Optimistic Desires

Just the desire to hear the words

I apologize, I am sorry, I know I hurt you

starts the beginning or hopefully the rekindling

whether accepted or not

this is wanted, this is yearned for, this is desired

why is it always the opinion that men are never hurt

we are never the ones desiring a resolution

the catch phrase there are more fish in the sea

negates the fact that there was a lot of work

a lot of time and feelings that go into fishing as they say

why would we just want to let this one get away

despite the thoughts that we are always in the wrong

that is not always the correct song

the fat lady sings a tale of lies, deceit, betrayal, and disrespect

the fat lady sings multiple instances of her ballads

does not always mean it is always the man being destructive

maybe he is the one in the most pain

strained and bothered, hurt and torn apart

purely hoping for understanding

for some caring, compassion

for love

there are no automatic saints in relationships

there are no automatic sinners

there are men who cannot sleep

eat or function when their heart is breaking

maybe it is never said or listened to

my heart is broken and I am telling you

it does not take someone moving on

for a man to admit where he is wrong

just because that is what is shown on media and TV

that is not all there is to see

have you ever truly looked into the eyes of your partner

and seen their pain

allowed yourself to feel it as if your own

the real men who put their heart on the line

this is where we live

in our eyes

while Stern and stoic

possible looks of irritation and anger

look past the superficial

what is the cause

why would we not be angry

when we are giving out all

and yet punished for what the past did

previous actions and demands

throwing their fist and forcing their commands

and we walked towards danger

just to lend you a helping hand

women may remain bitter

and wish the worst

or lose all caring at all

anxious to pay

it all back when it comes their way

sometimes men too

take it out on the next one

then sometimes both

it is not about the next one

no thoughts of more fish appease anything

sometimes what we want more than the world

to come home to a loving smile and a kiss

a real hug that says I am sorry I love you

to hold you in our arms and make love

stop the war stop the fighting stop the yelling

just end all of that

be told that it is okay we can start again

and then shown that

despite what anyone may tell you

we want to believe in your word

being your Bond as well

ironic as it sounds

majority of what men need

we will never find otherwise

that backbone, that support, that comfort

that dedication

all that which we seek

we can never provide ourselves

it is not about the cooking, cleaning, keeping of house

that is an added bonus

that is security

that is making a home

that is the feeling of not being alone

when your immediate wants and needs are cared for

that is love

trust and believe me when I say

men really do want to feel this way

when we are hurt we want to be understood

not right

when we are defeated and attacked by the world

and demons among it

we want backup we want support

someone pushing us forward when we feel we cannot

go on

we need that backbone

that initiative to say

‘baby I love you’

and show it consistently with actions

if we do not hold back with you

we want to see the same reaction

I could go on and on for days

shouting from the rooftop my wishes

my hopes

my dreams

my inner desires and list them

but through it all

the wise men know

action that moves on its’ own

is worth so much more

never can you make someone change

never can you make someone love you

whether properly or even at all

love is always a choice

one that is made without us involved

everyone chooses their own terms

with how to express or withhold their love

as optimistic as the heartbroken man

may be

he is in even more pain

wise of the fact of what was

may once again never be.

 

Life · Poetry

Fonder Heart

I miss good conversation, where I am able to listen and speak just as freely

I miss those moments of feeling accepted and embraced

I miss intimate moments of vulnerability and safety

I miss feeling like I had the world even if it was only in the four walls of a room

sometimes feeling like you belong somewhere is the greatest empowerment needed

I miss feeling good enough about a situation that laughing was medicine

I miss feeling like joking and enjoying each other was not temporary

I miss the feeling of not worrying about yelling and screaming

redundant arguments over perpetual habits that show no yield to change

I miss feeling like love is really just that, love

a great experience giving me life and joy

something that I felt I was missing in my life

not wondering where does it fall into play in my life

I miss being accepted as a man and treated as such

respected as such

even attempts to be understood as such

someone having my back and supporting me and wanting to stand by me

as their man, as their partner, as the person they love

I miss being in love

that feeling of elation consistently when thinking of your mate

I miss being loved

unfortunate it cannot be described

when you feel it, you just know

when it is gone, it hurts you every single moment

I miss you, I do

despite my best efforts that go unappreciated

all those misjudged actions and overlooked struggles

not for me and mines, but for you and yours

the emotional terrorizing

the verbal and physical antagonizing

I still do

I miss feeling like I am someone positive

miss feeling like the relationships I have strained

with once friends, children, and family

have been worth some great goal at the end

I do, I do miss you

I miss feeling truly loved more

 

 

 

 

Life

Denied yet True

I am going to let out a cat that has lived in a bag of stigma for years, the same bones that live within the closet that people just keep putting the broom beside, skeleton staring them in the face everyday yet they ignore it, keep it locked up in the dark, refusing to brush off the dust and bring it to the light.

Men

can have severe depression and deep emotional pain.

Yes I know, shocking news to hear but this is true.  The sad truth is that it is a disbelief to where when it finally reaches the boiling point or even reaches the end of the race by suicide, it always comes off shocking than regrettable.  The understanding of men by their partners especially of the opposite sex and masculine friendships is extremely damaged and to the point of complete destruction.  The ridicule of people being “in their feelings” or “being a female” has become so concrete it has created an even larger fear in the community of having emotions.  Young men are being taught to hold back their emotions when it comes to pain, hurt, or anguish but encouraged to show those emotions when it comes to anger, aggression, and disgust.  Better to teach someone the world already sees as a savage to be the monster they already see you as than the one who stands out among the rest.  Instead of teaching higher thought processes and more internal observation and learning, the steps to creating the new leaders and those that stand in front of opposition and criticism with pride and strength; the young men are being taught to be just like the next one, be the same, lack true individuality.

And with that, men are taught do not cry, do not show emotion, do not show true caring, make sure your “boys” do not see it, hold it all in, let that anger out on the person who crossed you, get revenge, seek only to satisfy yourself at all times and more and more.  No one takes a step back and looks at the way that people are being raised to be even more selfish than we are already wired to be and then wonder why there is a huge lack of understanding between men and women.  A woman who appreciates a man being vulnerable with her is appreciated and exalted as a commodity because she is.  Our men are being desensitized and our women are being told that independence is more important than femininity.

I have no problem admitting, I am depressed, I am sad, I am hurting and I feel alone.  I survived from being a statistic and now as an adult just feel like I am that much closer to the next hashtag.  Maybe I will never make that dramatic impact on the world, more like a pebble in the river of time, just thought it should be known, there are a lot of men that are not held back because of pride.  It is from poor teaching or none at all.

 

Life

Silent Screams

I have kept quiet consistently because pointless arguments yield no growth, those moments where you fight and all it becomes is a you versus me, who is more right or more wrong which is pointless.  In no situation does it matter who is more wrong than the other, the only important piece of the puzzle is understanding the emotion of the other person.  There should always be a mirror in front of you and that is how all arguments should be looked at, you are expressing out loud your grievances and how you feel while looking at yourself and acknowledging where you come into play.  People will continue doing the same actions that ruined their previous relationships because they blame the other person and never look at self.  All actions should not be justified simply because it is you doing the action.  There is no justification granted for those who hurt you so why should you be separated from that same criticism.  Those who love as hypocrites in their relationships then live in the same manner create the same situation over and over and wonder why everything ends the same.  They feel no different, they learn no positive reinforcement, it all was a waste.  

In these moments I love being a man, I will always be wrong, always be the one with the blame, never the one who should be pursued even if I am hurt, it is never the woman that comes back to the man to ask for forgiveness and another chance.  The irony is in today’s society as much as black men at l have a target on our back soon as we walk out the house, we get one on our chest soon as we walk in the house.  We are supposed to feel encouraged and uplifted by our women, by our sisters, yet in the end they are sometimes our biggest antagonist.  This will be dismissed by some as just a bitter man talking, yet no one will stand up for me when my mouth and lips are bleeding and she’s standing tall with no scars.  

Life

Honest and Transparent Truth

This one is for me more than anything else, I guess just the open acknowledgement of how I feel right now.  I wish I could say I know someone would be able to understand and that there would be some things different in my life due to this post; however, I do not believe that to be true.  Unfortunately, I am not that type of individual who just feels better from spilling the emotions that are bottled up inside, if there is no positive forward movement, my feelings remain the same, they only subside into the area of just not being spoken on.

When I look at that picture, I see a lot of things.  I took it purely because of the view it gave off and the feeling of looking at the sunlight in the distance and just being in that light.  Those type of moments are the only time my mind can be calm enough to feel the peace that God has granted me by being on this earth.  Right now, honestly speaking, I am at a loss in every realm of life.  I am confused, saddened, disappointed, discouraged, and more than anything else, I am lost.   Today is a day I thought would never happen, it is the first day that I am 34 years old.

I have went through majority of my life feeling as if I would not make it past 33 years old and that is a hard feeling to deal with.  Always wondering if you would be right, at some points, planning and thinking about having a life earlier due to the fact you feel that it will be over just as soon, and just always having these feelings of disaster awaiting you and then the day comes and it is over just as quickly as it began.  This birthday was no celebration, it was just another day really.  I appreciate the words some close friends and family sent and gave me of well wishes, I will not lie that it didn’t hurt me again not to be celebrated by one individual but it is to be expected.  I’ve experienced much more pain in this relationship than I have before and I am okay with giving up on love afterwards because “love” should feel and act much better than this.

Where do I go from here, I have no idea.  At this point, it is almost like a life refresh, unsure of all of my next steps, still struggling with so many different things, still feel like a failure on so many others, hard to really feel like I am not alone in this world when my mind moves at 1 million thoughts per second and there is never enough time to even get out half of them.  I am not well rested ever, my body is constantly in pain, every moment of the day feels harder than the previous, and it has been a while since I could say this and mean it but I am not okay.  I am 34 years old and yet I feel like that means nothing even though it is something I felt I would never accomplish.