Life · Poetry

Optimistic Desires

Just the desire to hear the words

I apologize, I am sorry, I know I hurt you

starts the beginning or hopefully the rekindling

whether accepted or not

this is wanted, this is yearned for, this is desired

why is it always the opinion that men are never hurt

we are never the ones desiring a resolution

the catch phrase there are more fish in the sea

negates the fact that there was a lot of work

a lot of time and feelings that go into fishing as they say

why would we just want to let this one get away

despite the thoughts that we are always in the wrong

that is not always the correct song

the fat lady sings a tale of lies, deceit, betrayal, and disrespect

the fat lady sings multiple instances of her ballads

does not always mean it is always the man being destructive

maybe he is the one in the most pain

strained and bothered, hurt and torn apart

purely hoping for understanding

for some caring, compassion

for love

there are no automatic saints in relationships

there are no automatic sinners

there are men who cannot sleep

eat or function when their heart is breaking

maybe it is never said or listened to

my heart is broken and I am telling you

it does not take someone moving on

for a man to admit where he is wrong

just because that is what is shown on media and TV

that is not all there is to see

have you ever truly looked into the eyes of your partner

and seen their pain

allowed yourself to feel it as if your own

the real men who put their heart on the line

this is where we live

in our eyes

while Stern and stoic

possible looks of irritation and anger

look past the superficial

what is the cause

why would we not be angry

when we are giving out all

and yet punished for what the past did

previous actions and demands

throwing their fist and forcing their commands

and we walked towards danger

just to lend you a helping hand

women may remain bitter

and wish the worst

or lose all caring at all

anxious to pay

it all back when it comes their way

sometimes men too

take it out on the next one

then sometimes both

it is not about the next one

no thoughts of more fish appease anything

sometimes what we want more than the world

to come home to a loving smile and a kiss

a real hug that says I am sorry I love you

to hold you in our arms and make love

stop the war stop the fighting stop the yelling

just end all of that

be told that it is okay we can start again

and then shown that

despite what anyone may tell you

we want to believe in your word

being your Bond as well

ironic as it sounds

majority of what men need

we will never find otherwise

that backbone, that support, that comfort

that dedication

all that which we seek

we can never provide ourselves

it is not about the cooking, cleaning, keeping of house

that is an added bonus

that is security

that is making a home

that is the feeling of not being alone

when your immediate wants and needs are cared for

that is love

trust and believe me when I say

men really do want to feel this way

when we are hurt we want to be understood

not right

when we are defeated and attacked by the world

and demons among it

we want backup we want support

someone pushing us forward when we feel we cannot

go on

we need that backbone

that initiative to say

‘baby I love you’

and show it consistently with actions

if we do not hold back with you

we want to see the same reaction

I could go on and on for days

shouting from the rooftop my wishes

my hopes

my dreams

my inner desires and list them

but through it all

the wise men know

action that moves on its’ own

is worth so much more

never can you make someone change

never can you make someone love you

whether properly or even at all

love is always a choice

one that is made without us involved

everyone chooses their own terms

with how to express or withhold their love

as optimistic as the heartbroken man

may be

he is in even more pain

wise of the fact of what was

may once again never be.

 

Life · Poetry

Fonder Heart

I miss good conversation, where I am able to listen and speak just as freely

I miss those moments of feeling accepted and embraced

I miss intimate moments of vulnerability and safety

I miss feeling like I had the world even if it was only in the four walls of a room

sometimes feeling like you belong somewhere is the greatest empowerment needed

I miss feeling good enough about a situation that laughing was medicine

I miss feeling like joking and enjoying each other was not temporary

I miss the feeling of not worrying about yelling and screaming

redundant arguments over perpetual habits that show no yield to change

I miss feeling like love is really just that, love

a great experience giving me life and joy

something that I felt I was missing in my life

not wondering where does it fall into play in my life

I miss being accepted as a man and treated as such

respected as such

even attempts to be understood as such

someone having my back and supporting me and wanting to stand by me

as their man, as their partner, as the person they love

I miss being in love

that feeling of elation consistently when thinking of your mate

I miss being loved

unfortunate it cannot be described

when you feel it, you just know

when it is gone, it hurts you every single moment

I miss you, I do

despite my best efforts that go unappreciated

all those misjudged actions and overlooked struggles

not for me and mines, but for you and yours

the emotional terrorizing

the verbal and physical antagonizing

I still do

I miss feeling like I am someone positive

miss feeling like the relationships I have strained

with once friends, children, and family

have been worth some great goal at the end

I do, I do miss you

I miss feeling truly loved more

 

 

 

 

Poetry

Why am I here? (Dangerous Thoughts)

I exist around people who really do not understand how I feel
what goes on inside my head, the strain and the pain
they do not concern themselves with my stress and my struggle
but I am to believed I am loved, I am cared for, I do not feel it

The same one asking me to spill the reasons I am uneasy
created the problem for me feeling unable to speak freely
has taken my worst fears and deepest insecurities
and hurled them back in my face as weapons, destroying me

How am I supposed to feel encouragement from the antagonist
not hidden, no secret villain that I uncover until mid way through the show
this one presents herself day by day by day, no plot twist
this is who I should divulge more of my struggle and my pain

If I, as an individual, as the person with feelings and emotions matter not
Why am I here?
Feeling like I always have nowhere to turn, no shoulder to lean on yet a house full
Why am I here?

All of those around me would be much better off
past lovers have moved on without a second thought
the same will be said for the one in my presence now
once I am dead and gone, she will be wondering how

How did she allow herself to waste so much time near me
Why was she pretending to live in this life, no fight to be happy
no sign of remorse, no reason to feel she did anything wrong
my name will not even be known, when remembering a song

My daughter would not have to see her failure of a father continue
she would get to see what a real man looks like in a better venue
it is not as if her mother has ever praised me as a man
all in all I have nothing but enemies and not a single fan

For soon as my eyes shut there will be no more pain, no more fight
soon as these eyes shut, all of those around me will see the light
the great shining beams of joy from never having to see me again
this is how it feels when sinking into depression again

Despite the best efforts of anyone whether the issue is known or not
there is no cure for self-doubt, it comes from the inside not out
still wondering to myself in the loudest of inner voices I scream
why am I here on this earth living and continually failing

So much easier to take this knife, this gun, this rope, these pills
run away from all crisis in the blood that should be spilled
the reason I say should is because it is a waste in this vessel
contemplating death as freedom and final

 

Poetry

Bottled Release

I scream and I scream internally and externally

I yell and fight, explicit words run off my tongue like water

yet when it is all said and done

there is no change, there is no silence, there is only more and more

more screaming

more yelling, more crying, more fighting, more disgust

more of all of this being contrite

these arbitrary displays of intense anger and frustration

perpetuated situations of complaining about the world yet

none of these cries change my position

It is always a question of expression

why not? when? what inspires? Where does it come from?

When there is no one listening to the world around them

it is always a reason to shout out loud, there is always a reason to cry

to moan, to want, to scream, to yell, to spread the sound from rooftop to ground

this world we live in creates the beast, the same one we have lived with since before

our inception

we are initially born into sin as they call it, the handiwork of the devil himself

anger, wrath, attraction, lust, jealousy, envy, ambition, greed,

vanity, pride, hunger, gluttony, procrastination, sloth

all deep down inside

Right now I want to tear out my hair, rend every garment and lay awaiting the sun

on the outside you see silence and a stoic presence

on the inside, there is no method to the chaos