Life

Silent Screams

I have kept quiet consistently because pointless arguments yield no growth, those moments where you fight and all it becomes is a you versus me, who is more right or more wrong which is pointless.  In no situation does it matter who is more wrong than the other, the only important piece of the puzzle is understanding the emotion of the other person.  There should always be a mirror in front of you and that is how all arguments should be looked at, you are expressing out loud your grievances and how you feel while looking at yourself and acknowledging where you come into play.  People will continue doing the same actions that ruined their previous relationships because they blame the other person and never look at self.  All actions should not be justified simply because it is you doing the action.  There is no justification granted for those who hurt you so why should you be separated from that same criticism.  Those who love as hypocrites in their relationships then live in the same manner create the same situation over and over and wonder why everything ends the same.  They feel no different, they learn no positive reinforcement, it all was a waste.  

In these moments I love being a man, I will always be wrong, always be the one with the blame, never the one who should be pursued even if I am hurt, it is never the woman that comes back to the man to ask for forgiveness and another chance.  The irony is in today’s society as much as black men at l have a target on our back soon as we walk out the house, we get one on our chest soon as we walk in the house.  We are supposed to feel encouraged and uplifted by our women, by our sisters, yet in the end they are sometimes our biggest antagonist.  This will be dismissed by some as just a bitter man talking, yet no one will stand up for me when my mouth and lips are bleeding and she’s standing tall with no scars.  

Life

Honest and Transparent Truth

This one is for me more than anything else, I guess just the open acknowledgement of how I feel right now.  I wish I could say I know someone would be able to understand and that there would be some things different in my life due to this post; however, I do not believe that to be true.  Unfortunately, I am not that type of individual who just feels better from spilling the emotions that are bottled up inside, if there is no positive forward movement, my feelings remain the same, they only subside into the area of just not being spoken on.

When I look at that picture, I see a lot of things.  I took it purely because of the view it gave off and the feeling of looking at the sunlight in the distance and just being in that light.  Those type of moments are the only time my mind can be calm enough to feel the peace that God has granted me by being on this earth.  Right now, honestly speaking, I am at a loss in every realm of life.  I am confused, saddened, disappointed, discouraged, and more than anything else, I am lost.   Today is a day I thought would never happen, it is the first day that I am 34 years old.

I have went through majority of my life feeling as if I would not make it past 33 years old and that is a hard feeling to deal with.  Always wondering if you would be right, at some points, planning and thinking about having a life earlier due to the fact you feel that it will be over just as soon, and just always having these feelings of disaster awaiting you and then the day comes and it is over just as quickly as it began.  This birthday was no celebration, it was just another day really.  I appreciate the words some close friends and family sent and gave me of well wishes, I will not lie that it didn’t hurt me again not to be celebrated by one individual but it is to be expected.  I’ve experienced much more pain in this relationship than I have before and I am okay with giving up on love afterwards because “love” should feel and act much better than this.

Where do I go from here, I have no idea.  At this point, it is almost like a life refresh, unsure of all of my next steps, still struggling with so many different things, still feel like a failure on so many others, hard to really feel like I am not alone in this world when my mind moves at 1 million thoughts per second and there is never enough time to even get out half of them.  I am not well rested ever, my body is constantly in pain, every moment of the day feels harder than the previous, and it has been a while since I could say this and mean it but I am not okay.  I am 34 years old and yet I feel like that means nothing even though it is something I felt I would never accomplish.

Poetry

Bottled Release

I scream and I scream internally and externally

I yell and fight, explicit words run off my tongue like water

yet when it is all said and done

there is no change, there is no silence, there is only more and more

more screaming

more yelling, more crying, more fighting, more disgust

more of all of this being contrite

these arbitrary displays of intense anger and frustration

perpetuated situations of complaining about the world yet

none of these cries change my position

It is always a question of expression

why not? when? what inspires? Where does it come from?

When there is no one listening to the world around them

it is always a reason to shout out loud, there is always a reason to cry

to moan, to want, to scream, to yell, to spread the sound from rooftop to ground

this world we live in creates the beast, the same one we have lived with since before

our inception

we are initially born into sin as they call it, the handiwork of the devil himself

anger, wrath, attraction, lust, jealousy, envy, ambition, greed,

vanity, pride, hunger, gluttony, procrastination, sloth

all deep down inside

Right now I want to tear out my hair, rend every garment and lay awaiting the sun

on the outside you see silence and a stoic presence

on the inside, there is no method to the chaos

 

Life

Why Are You Here

If how I feel doesn’t matter, if how I feel by things you have done or said doesn’t matter, if it’s stupid for me to share my interests with you, if everything about money is a contradiction, if I’m so wrong in all these facets all the time, why are you here?

This person you do not understand, do not wish to understand, what good are they to you other than what they have done for you? What amount of love actually exists for someone you don’t get at all, don’t know at all, don’t understand their emotions at all?

Because they feel something it is too dramatic, too emotional, too insecure, too jealous, and in everything that they do or do not do, you are always the victim, you are the one always bring wronged, so why are you here?

Has this person done anything right in your eyes ever? Any words you can remember of pride and praise? Anything about them as an individual ever make you happy? If they are always such a problem and nothing positive since every situation they have “never” done one thing or the next thing, why are you here?

Why stay where you say you’re not wanted, not loved, the person doesn’t care, doesn’t praise you, tell you they love you, show or accept your affection, are much too different from you for you to understand, doesn’t like the same music or entertainment, very little in common with them, you don’t feel accountable to, and I’m sure their list goes on and on yet you don’t leave and haven’t? Why are you here?

Poetry

Irrelevant

I have stayed away from writing, this is true, the reason I will go ahead and lay to rest

My words are not heard or even respected, this occurs in the flesh

So why would I believe in understanding through paper or screen

these words while subscribed would merely get a passing glance

Let me be honest in stating, I am unhappy and severely depressed

while not on the verge of suicide, I wish to give up, I do not even desire rest

for so long it has been painful to keep my eyes open and look towards the sun

for so long I have been moving slower and slower, pace changed to a walk from a run

yet around and around I go, this merry-go-round of mistakes and bad choices

and the up and down I go as the carousel animals on hurting those closest

I have become more of a disappointment as a father by allowing bad situations

I have become more of a letdown as a lover by taking the wrong chances

and with those chances lacking enough patience and strength to endure

all the pain from my own life and then to push through added struggle and more

All I have ever wanted was happiness and family, things never experienced

some of which were robbed from me

yet I do it with the absolute idea of potential, seeing it above the veil

however when the push turns to a shove, I am the one who has failed.

I know a lot of the time I worry about the happiness of others as priority

safety and security, assistance and help is needed and then I worry

knowing full well the extent of my abilities I will push them even further

and push my own self down in the hole deeper, it gets colder

for as hard as I pursue to make someone else happy, that pursuit is unmatched

yet when the pursuit slows the benefactor begins their attack

but are the questions needed ever answered or even asked?

Why the difference, where did it go, what changed the respect that I have?

Do I understand truly the pain caused by my attack?

Honestly it can be no longer my concern

I have to move based on how I feel and others should do the same

surprisingly enough most people move on how they want to feel

yet leave off making others feel the way they would desire them to.

Hiatus still in effect in a manner of sorts

If I have to speak, I guess I should.